Too much?

I’ve always been asking myself if i really understand the meaning of love.

“How do you know if you’re in love?”

“How does it feels like when you’re in love?”

Questions that i keep asking my friends and myself repeatedly.

I see myself as someone who is too rational, whom think too realistically. I worry about the future when it hasn’t arrive. But that’s me; I tend to plan ahead.

I was with someone for more than 5years and we broke off because I felt we were distancing; the problem in communicating and the diverse thinking we both had kept me away from him. But the biggest joke of all is, i never did let go of the relationship we had no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i wanted to. It has been almost 4 years now. And, we kept in contact.

He was a passive man. He still is. 

He didn’t used to plan for our future. I see him improving.

He lacks of confidence. He still has a big problem with self confidence.

I have been disappointed far too many times by him that i came to understand the importance of expectation management. Sometimes i question myself if i’m expecting too much from a guy. I always look into the mirror and see how worthless i am to him. How can a man make a girl wait for him for 3 years (and counting), with no actions taken? hesitating on whether he should go for it or not for 3 years?! always saying he wants to salvage our r/s but doesn’t know what to do. It’s all say but no actions!

And I, stupidly held on till now. It’s not that i do not see his good, i do. We’re alike in some ways,  but our differences are huge that our similarities are overshadowed.

My close friends have always been telling me that, if i love someone, i wouldn’t mind all these at all, and will accept it. Their definition of accepting it means i would not be even complaining about it to them. But to me, if waiting for someone for so many years still doesn’t mean accepting, i do not know what acceptance is.

It’s not that i do not accept, but he has to mature and know how to behave like how a man should; knowing his responsibilities and protecting his loved ones.

Is this, love?

About 5onefive

crazy. emotional. extrovert. introvert. sociable. unfriendly. i have many sides.
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